Support And Self-Care For The Rest Of The Family
Coming to terms with chemical dependency of a mentally ill relative does not come easily. For a time, it just feels too painful, too bewildering, too overwhelming to face. The family may feel terribly angry at the person and blame him or her for seeming so stupid, so weak willed as to add problems of substance abuse to an already highly disturbed life.
Feeling angry and rejecting unfortunately does not help the situation and delays rational thinking about how to approach the situation. Parents and siblings may be hurt because the addicted person blames others for his or her problems and breaks trust by lying and stealing, and in general, creates chaos throughout the household. A great deal of fear and uncertainty may prevail as behavior becomes more irrational and violence or threats of violence increases.
Members of the family may feel guilty because they feel their relative's substance abuse is in some way their fault. It is important, first of all, to realize that substance abuse is a disease. The person who is truly addicted is no more able to take control of this problem without help than he or she is able to take control of his mental illness. Thinking of this problem as a disease may reduce the sense of anger and blame. Family members may learn to take negative behaviors less personally and feel less hurt. People may cease blaming themselves and each other for a disorder that no one could have caused or prevented.
Coming to terms with substance abuse in someone you love will take time. It will be easier if the family can close ranks, avoid blaming each other, agree on a plan of action, and provide support to each other. It is also important to seek support from other families who are dealing with dually diagnosed relatives. This subset of families in the local Alliance of the Mentally Ill may find it beneficial to meet separately at times to provide support in a way best done by other people who also have the problem.
Families may want to investigate their local Alcoholic Anonymous (Al-Non) and/or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) groups. These support groups have proven to be immensely helpful to some families. Finally, it is important to say that families cannot stop their relative's substance abuse. They can, however, avoid covering it up or doing things that make it easy for the person to continue the denial. Families can learn what they can do about the problem, but they must be realistic that much of it is out of their hands. With great efforts some of the painful emotions will subside, members will feel more serene, and life can be worthwhile again.
Twelve Things To Do If Your Loved One Is Addicted To Drugs And/Or Alcohol
1. Don't regard this as a family disgrace. Recovery from an addiction can come about just as with other illnesses.
2. Don't nag, preach or lecture to the addict/alcoholic. Chances are he/she has already told him or herself everything you can tell them. He/she will take just so much and shut out the rest. You may only increase their need to lie or force one to make promises that cannot possibly be kept.
3. Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or martyr-like attitude. It is possible to create this impression without saying a word. An addict's sensitivity is such that he/she judges other people's attitudes toward him/her more by small things than spoken words.
4. Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal. Since the addict/alcoholic is compulsive and cannot be controlled by willpower, this approach only increases guilt. It is like saying, "If you loved me, you would not have tuberculosis."
5. Avoid any threats unless you think it through carefully and definitely intend to carry them out. There may be times, of course, when a specific action is necessary to protect children. Idle threats only make the addict/alcoholic feel you don't mean what you say.
6. Don't hide the drugs/alcohol or dispose of them/it. Usually this only pushes the addict/alcoholic into a state of desperation. In the end he/she will simply find news ways of getting more drugs/liquor.
7. Don't let the addict/alcoholic persuade you to use drugs or drink with him/her on the grounds that it will make him/her use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you condone the using/drinking, he/she puts off doing something to get help.
8. Don't be jealous of the method of recovery the addict/alcoholic chooses. The tendency is to think that love of home and family is enough incentive for seeking recovery. Frequently the motivation of regaining self respect is more compelling for the addict/alcoholic than resumption of family responsibilities. You may feel left out when the addict/alcoholic turns to other people for helping stay sober. You wouldn't be jealous of the doctor of someone needing medical care, would you?
9. Don't expect an immediate 100 percent recovery. In any illness, there is a period of convalescence. There may be relapses and times of tension and resentment.
10. Don't try to protect the recovering person from using/drinking situations. It's one of the quickest ways to push one into relapse. They must learn on their own to say "no" gracefully. If you warn people against serving him/her drinks, you will stir up old feelings of resentment and inadequacy.
11. Don't do for the addict/alcoholic that which he/she can do for him/herself. You cannot take the medicine for him/her. Don't remove the problem before the addict/alcoholic can face it, solve it or suffer the consequences.
12. Do offer love, support and understanding in the recovery.
Coming to terms with chemical dependency of a mentally ill relative does not come easily. For a time, it just feels too painful, too bewildering, too overwhelming to face. The family may feel terribly angry at the person and blame him or her for seeming so stupid, so weak willed as to add problems of substance abuse to an already highly disturbed life.
Feeling angry and rejecting unfortunately does not help the situation and delays rational thinking about how to approach the situation. Parents and siblings may be hurt because the addicted person blames others for his or her problems and breaks trust by lying and stealing, and in general, creates chaos throughout the household. A great deal of fear and uncertainty may prevail as behavior becomes more irrational and violence or threats of violence increases.
Members of the family may feel guilty because they feel their relative's substance abuse is in some way their fault. It is important, first of all, to realize that substance abuse is a disease. The person who is truly addicted is no more able to take control of this problem without help than he or she is able to take control of his mental illness. Thinking of this problem as a disease may reduce the sense of anger and blame. Family members may learn to take negative behaviors less personally and feel less hurt. People may cease blaming themselves and each other for a disorder that no one could have caused or prevented.
Coming to terms with substance abuse in someone you love will take time. It will be easier if the family can close ranks, avoid blaming each other, agree on a plan of action, and provide support to each other. It is also important to seek support from other families who are dealing with dually diagnosed relatives. This subset of families in the local Alliance of the Mentally Ill may find it beneficial to meet separately at times to provide support in a way best done by other people who also have the problem.
Families may want to investigate their local Alcoholic Anonymous (Al-Non) and/or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) groups. These support groups have proven to be immensely helpful to some families. Finally, it is important to say that families cannot stop their relative's substance abuse. They can, however, avoid covering it up or doing things that make it easy for the person to continue the denial. Families can learn what they can do about the problem, but they must be realistic that much of it is out of their hands. With great efforts some of the painful emotions will subside, members will feel more serene, and life can be worthwhile again.
Twelve Things To Do If Your Loved One Is Addicted To Drugs And/Or Alcohol
1. Don't regard this as a family disgrace. Recovery from an addiction can come about just as with other illnesses.
2. Don't nag, preach or lecture to the addict/alcoholic. Chances are he/she has already told him or herself everything you can tell them. He/she will take just so much and shut out the rest. You may only increase their need to lie or force one to make promises that cannot possibly be kept.
3. Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or martyr-like attitude. It is possible to create this impression without saying a word. An addict's sensitivity is such that he/she judges other people's attitudes toward him/her more by small things than spoken words.
4. Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal. Since the addict/alcoholic is compulsive and cannot be controlled by willpower, this approach only increases guilt. It is like saying, "If you loved me, you would not have tuberculosis."
5. Avoid any threats unless you think it through carefully and definitely intend to carry them out. There may be times, of course, when a specific action is necessary to protect children. Idle threats only make the addict/alcoholic feel you don't mean what you say.
6. Don't hide the drugs/alcohol or dispose of them/it. Usually this only pushes the addict/alcoholic into a state of desperation. In the end he/she will simply find news ways of getting more drugs/liquor.
7. Don't let the addict/alcoholic persuade you to use drugs or drink with him/her on the grounds that it will make him/her use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you condone the using/drinking, he/she puts off doing something to get help.
8. Don't be jealous of the method of recovery the addict/alcoholic chooses. The tendency is to think that love of home and family is enough incentive for seeking recovery. Frequently the motivation of regaining self respect is more compelling for the addict/alcoholic than resumption of family responsibilities. You may feel left out when the addict/alcoholic turns to other people for helping stay sober. You wouldn't be jealous of the doctor of someone needing medical care, would you?
9. Don't expect an immediate 100 percent recovery. In any illness, there is a period of convalescence. There may be relapses and times of tension and resentment.
10. Don't try to protect the recovering person from using/drinking situations. It's one of the quickest ways to push one into relapse. They must learn on their own to say "no" gracefully. If you warn people against serving him/her drinks, you will stir up old feelings of resentment and inadequacy.
11. Don't do for the addict/alcoholic that which he/she can do for him/herself. You cannot take the medicine for him/her. Don't remove the problem before the addict/alcoholic can face it, solve it or suffer the consequences.
12. Do offer love, support and understanding in the recovery.
